The Two Toilets
A Story adapted by The Author
Based on the real book by JRR Tolkien
Dedicated to Who ever you want it to
Chapter 1
The Departure of Boromir
Even though Boromir has been re-deleted
"You know what I really don't get? Why is there a point in writing a story that is already written?" Gimli wondered.
Dont dis my story.
"Touchy touchy."
Down below, Legolas began to move. He blinked slowly a few times, adjusting his eyes to the fading sunset. As he pushed himself upwards, he saw the hundreds of Orc footprints. He looked up, and met the concerned faces of his friends.
"Hellooo down there!" Gimli shouted.
"And helloooo up there," he called back, "Are you coming down, or am I coming up?"
"I guess were coming down, we can follow Merry and Pippin better that way," Aragorn said. Taking a breath, he jumped down, with a cry, Gimli followed. Legolas followed with his eyes as they cascaded down the waterfall.
It took a few moments for them to finally reach the bottom.
You know what? If I wasnt the caring Author I am you would die now.
"Yeah, I know that," Aragorn replied, he came out with a turned ankle and Gimli with a black eye. Legolas tried to stand, and fell backwards into Aragorn with a cry of pain.
"Whats wrong?" Gimli asked.
"I- I dont know, it just hurts to stand, I really think I broke something, other than a carrot," he said, wincing.
"And that may be..." Aragorn asked, as he helped steady the Elf. Legolas held on to his shoulder as he pulled himself up, grimacing the whole way.
"I am alright," he lied, a shooting pain shot up his right leg, and only then did he realize that his blood was merging with the waters of the Great River. "Eww."
Aww, does Legolas need a Band-aid? Does he have a boo boo?
Legolas shot an agonized look into the sky, since he had no idea where the Author was, or where to look.
"Where are Pippin and Merry?" Gimli asked.
Don't tell me I hired a bunch of people who haven't even read Lord of the Rings yet. In that case, I should just delete you all and hire a bunch of nit wits who have read it.
"That line was just in the script."
Please accept my most humble of apologies.
"Go Usquener and lanner," Legolas said slowly, as if some awful decision was made, and he had to break the news. "I will only hinder you."
"What does Usquener and lanner mean?" Gimli asked.
"Smelly one and wide one."
"I have no problem leaving him here now."
Chapter 2
The Riders of
Hey, Im on the Third book, dont expect me to remember everything
"No, we cannot leave him here," Aragorn stated firmly, to the dismay of Gimli. Although it did light a flame of hope in Legolas mind. "Are you sure you cannot walk?"
"I will try," Legolas answered, wrapping his arm around Aragorn's shoulders, and he hauled himself up. His right leg quivered against the weight he bore on it. He grit his teeth as the pain shot up his entire body. He fought the urge to scream and collapse to the ground in from the throbbing pain.
"You know what I dont get? Why must you always tell everyone how I'm feeling, and not the others?" Legolas asked though his teeth. "Like when Gimli has to go to the bathroom or something."
Because, the others are better at hiding their emotions from me. Actually, Aragorn needs to go pee right now. Gimli, well, lets just say number 2.
Legolas was breathing hard when he had finally stabilized himself, and was in no danger of falling over. Aragorn however, was in danger of wetting his pants, and since they were already wet from the falls of Rauros, no one could tell if he had or hadnt.
"You know what I just realized? In the books, no one ever brushes their teeth or takes a shower," Legolas said, hobbling along next to Aragorn.
I think you did, at Lórien, during the movie, either that, or you wear pajamas. Actually, I think all of you did. Frodo, Sam and Pippin took one at Crickhollow. As for Aragorn, well, he always looks dirty, so who can tell if he did or didnt?
"I do take showers," Aragorn grunted, "the Elves made me take them at Rivendell when I was a kid. When I became a Ranger, I didn't have the time to take showers."
"You were raised in Rivendell? I thought thats where Legolas grew up for the past 2, 931 years," Gimli asked.
"Why would I be Prince of Mirkwood if I was raised in Rivendell?" Legolas snapped. He wasn't in a particularly good mood; either from the pain, the fact that he was slowing everybody down or he was just easily irritated this evening.
"You're a Prince? You sure dont act like one..." Gimli noticed the scowl he received from Legolas, "I mean, you dont act all 'I'm royalty, so everyone should do exactly as I say, or else I'll cut off your head in the morning."
"Why would I wait until morning, when I can easily do it myself?" Legolas snapped again. Gimli was irritated by the fact that Legolas was irritated.
"Is it also part of Royalty to have your hair braided like a girl?" Gimli asked, and jumped up and grabbed a large fist full of Elvish hair. Legolas head snapped backwards, he felt as if his head was being torn off his shoulders.
"Why you little..." he growled, and kicked the dwarf a couple inches below the beltline. Aragorn looked backwards but kept on walking. He took a few more steps then ran back to tear Gimli's ever tightening hands off Legolas throat. The Elf had become very pale since.
"Stop it you two, you are acting like a bunch of three year old hobbits," Aragorn yelled at them, little did he know that his voice was passing into other ears that were not meant to hear.
The Uruk- Hai/ Treebeard
My two most un-favorite chapters into one
"They are coming my lord," one Orc said to the Uruk-Hai, "although I think the Dwarf might have already killed that wretched Elf."
"Is that all you've come to tell me?" the Uruk-Hai yelled, "Get back to your station, and see to those Halflings!"
"Yes, my lord." Then under his breath he said, "you stinking wretched creature. "
Oh that wasn't very nice.
"Put a sock in your pie hole, stupid Author," the Orc said. He is then chased off by a Warg and is never seen again.
"Pssst, Merry," Pippin whispered, "I think they're gone." They cut their bonds with a knife stolen by Pippin.
"Why do you let them off so easy?" Legolas protested, appearing from no where, "While Im being stabbed, lacerated, beaten and overall, abused. Geeze, Im reporing you to P.E.T.E"
Whats P.E.T.E?
"People for the Ethical Treatment of Elves."
Oh yeah, they gave me permission to write this story, and to use you in it.
"I'm going to die," Legolas groaned, then fades back into the scenery.
Merry and Pippin ran into the forests of Fangorn, where they suddenly bumped into Treebeard. He gives them Entwash and then goes to attack Isengard.
Author and Narrators note: I am sorry that this chapter is so incredibly short, but some of us like things short and sweet. All the better to get on with things. As I have mentioned before, I really didnt enjoy these chapters.
